brb: re-discovering myself / starting over in your 20s
Breakups, going back to uni, navigating new goals and queer adolescence - here's what I'm learning about starting over in your 20s
From starting therapy (again) and going through a break up to being accepted for a masters program and finally choosing to embrace my authentic self (in all its queer glory); to say things have changed would be an understatement. While it’s safe to say that the ‘story of my life’ is very much still being re-drafted, I’ve finally reached the point where I feel like I’m beginning to make sense of things in a way that I can share and feel positively about. I’ll be completely honest in saying that I do feel a bit of impostor syndrome coming back to writing again and wondering if anyone even cares anymore… but in the words of my wise and all-knowing mother: ‘fuck everyone else…respectfully’. With that new life motto in mind, I thought I’d share some of the findings I’m currently gathering while I’ve been in the field studying myself.
1. You can't 'therapise' yourself
My first attempt at therapy sucked. While I do believe that my ex-therapist and I weren’t the best fit (despite meeting my basic criteria of being a ‘black woman like me’), I think a lot of it came down to a lack of intention on my part. I knew it was the ‘right thing’ to do to deal with the ‘depression’ and ‘anxiety’ I was experiencing at the time (which actually turned out to be autistic burnout), but I had no real idea of what I was supposed to get out of it. I just wanted to ‘feel better’. Speaking to a lot of close friends now who think therapy is ‘not for them’ (even if they’ve never tried it), I can understand their reservations. But ultimately, what I’ve come to understand since finding a therapist I actually like is that, despite your best intentions, you can’t therapize yourself. Using your current mindset and patterns of thinking to create a new mindset is like that definition of insanity - doing the same thing and expecting a different result. For years I had told myself I could ‘self-help’ my way to happiness and in my defence that is how it’s sold to us. But sometimes the best thing you can do is just be intentional and try to remove all the barriers (and excuses) to getting the help you need.
2. Community is all around you
No one imagines themselves as that person that neglects all their friends once they get into a relationship. But as someone whose major ‘life traumas’ were inflicted as a direct result of toxic friendships, I was probably more willing than most to give up what I considered to be surface level acquaintances for something I thought was more permanent. I’d never experienced that feeling of ‘sisterhood’ or the unity of finding your ‘tribe’ and so somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, you can’t miss what you never had. Post-breakup, I realise now that I gave up on friendship far too early. While making and keeping friends is still a triggering process for me at times, I feel like for the first time, I’m starting to see community in places I never considered. From raw and honest heart-to-hearts with the girls at work and starting impromptu women’s circles before a night out, to finally shrugging off that ‘eldest daughter’ pressure to be ‘perfect’ and opening up to my sisters; I now know that community is all around us.
3. Your 'shoulds' are holding you captive
Being in your 20s often feels like an intense battle between who you are and who you should be. I should have more savings. I should have a house. I should be straight. I should want marriage. I should want kids. Yet at no point until this summer, had I actually been honest with myself about if I actually wanted any of those things. For one, it didn’t feel like an option to think otherwise but additionally, the pressure and pain of disappointing everyone around me was enough to make me want to continue burying my head in the sand forever. Call it the Barbie movie effect or TikTok’s horrifyingly accurate algorithm but at some point I felt like the entire universe was screaming at me to free myself from the shackles of the should. It's something that Meg Jay talks about in her book 'The Defining Decade' which I honestly cannot recommend enough for anyone starting over in their 20s. As I continue to re-define what my life looks like without the pre-programmed ideals, one truth I’m eternally grateful to have realised is that on the other side of fear, there really is relief.
